Backwards with Time

The past.  I swear sometimes I wish it would just stay there.  I did not expect to be writing this post because I didn't expect for yesterday evening to happen the way it did, but oh well.  Yesterday evening, I had been invited to a get together with some of my old co-workers because one of them was accepting a position with a different company.  Whenever we get together, it is always a lot of fun.  I hadn't seen some of my co-workers in over a year, and I had certainly not seen one of them in particular for at least that long.


It was a male co-worker of mine who, well, we had a really intense connection and there was always a lot of tension because of the apparent chemistry we had.  After not seeing him for over a year, I guess I had forgotten how I used to feel.  Ultimately, when the two of us began talking, it became a conversation that took us on a journey through the past.  A journey I wish we never went on, only to rehash old feelings and what not.  


The problem with this man is that he is currently in a relationship.  When we had met, he was on a break from this relationship, (so not to worry, because I wouldn't do that to someone, whether I knew them or not) and this had escalated.  Well, he ended up making the decision to get back together with his girlfriend, who he is still with today.  


Throughout our conversation he kept saying "how things would be different if the situation was different," and that it was "difficult for him to see me because he forgot how he felt," and that "it seems like we were picking up right where we left off..." etc, etc.  COME ON.  


My response was that it was not my problem because I have no strings attached to anyone, and it was "okay" for me to feel the way I felt.  That was his decision a while back to be with someone else, and I was not going to let him make me feel bad about that.  Clearly it worked out for him, because (like I said) after all of this time, him and his girlfriend are still together.  Does he honestly think I would have just been sitting on the back burner waiting around for him or something?  That would never happen.  


Honestly though, I did end up leaving pretty upset.  Yes, I can acknowledge the intense chemistry we have always had.  I was definitely nervous to see him for that very reason.  He was one of those guys I could have seen myself with, ya know?  That's probably why I was so upset.  I couldn't understand how, time after time, he could say those things to me, yet stay with his girlfriend.  Then I thought about it: why would I want to be with a guy like that, anyway?


After venting to two close friends and replaying the evening in my mind, I realized I shouldn't be upset.  I got caught up in the moment.  If anything, this guy is telling me how he felt about me, while he has a girlfriend out there somewhere who loves him.  What a bunch of crap.  He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and it definitely wasn't happening on my watch.  Closure.  I never got that from this situation, and that was exactly what I needed.  He doesn't deserve someone like me.    








Backwards With Time - The Avett Brothers

Yesterday

I feel really excited to write this because yesterday was just a wonderful day.  It was by no means over the top and didn't have anything particularly special going on, but it just seemed to flow, and not one bad thing happened.  (That's always good, right?)  


Part of yesterday's success would have to be the fact that it marked the beginning of my fall semester!  I thought I wanted that month-long break so bad, but as I stated before, I found myself bored, miserable, and thinking too much.  Classes starting again made me feel good; I realized I had missed having a schedule, and having to stay on task.  (I almost feel strange saying that, since I've always been one to prefer going with the flow and not having a schedule.)

Anyway, I only had two of my classes, both of which seemed to fly by because of their basic "first day of classes format," going over syllabi and meeting our professors.  Blah, blah, blah.  It's redundant, but I was over-the-top excited. 


Now, speaking of schedules, one of my major loves is back - FOOTBALL!!!  Football season officially kicked off yesterday, and I couldn't have been more excited.  I almost believe that the excitement of football carried over into all of the other parts of my day.  I went to hang out and watch the football game with other people who appreciate the sport just as much as I do. (Thank you Aaron Rodgers, for having a great game and giving me a shit ton of fantasy points!)

As usual, I go out on Thursday nights to a bar/restaurant that some of my friends work at.  (Most importantly, that guy I have been spontaneously talking about in previous posts.)   


Now, without reading too much into any particular situation, I have got to tell you, I love being around him!  Why, you ask?


- He is incredibly easy to talk to, and I don't have to do all of the talking.
- We can talk about anything and everything.  
- I trust him completely (Some may be surprised to hear that so soon, but keep in mind I have known this guy for years.) 
- He makes me laugh.

No really, though!

Honestly, I could go on about all of his wonderful qualities, but I'll just stop right there.  It just simply feels good to be able to hang out with someone without thinking and without worrying about what to say or do.  Like I said, I am not reading into this too much as I have known him for awhile, but I feel like this is on the right path.  We'll see what happens!! 










Yesterday - The Beatles




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hunterhome.net

Time to Get Ill

Today I woke up and realized I had a few missed phone calls from a close friend of mine, C.  It seemed as though her calling may have been urgent, so instead of getting up and having my morning coffee and breakfast first, I called her right away.  She could tell I was barely awake.  When she answered, she three-way called another one of our close friends, Roe.  


Once Roe answered, C said:  So, will you guys be in my wedding?!


Finally.  It was what she had been waiting for.  After several years, she had finally gotten engaged!  I could not have been more excited for her, and I was honored that she had asked me to be in the wedding.  


Wait.  Be IN the wedding?  After I shared my excitement and congrats with her, my next immediate reaction was, 'Ohhh man.  I am going to have to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress now...'


My excitement transformed from girly-shrieking thrill to instant horror.  I have been trying to get back on track with losing weight, which has been a challenge with the contradicting weight gain from quitting smoking, and the fact that I can't do any distance running or strenuous cardio because of a long-term ankle injury I have had to deal with.  


Anyway, I gladly accepted her offer, but let's be serious though.  Nobody wants to be the "fat" bridesmaid.


At least she isn't planning on getting married for another year or two, so I will certainly have plenty of time to get back in shape before having to endure the feeling of humiliation while trying on dresses.  Thank goodness.  

Time to up the ante on the workout plan.  

Time to Get Ill - Beastie Boys

Help!

So , I've got nothing else to report on the family member previously mentioned.  It is clear it was a sibling, because now he has gone to a different city for school again.  I think at this point, a little bit of distance will be better for us so we don't have so many expectations of one another.  We actually get along better this way (at least for now) so I'm going to put this to rest.


I feel like I have been really down in the dumps lately.  Great timing.  I was hoping while I had this time off from school that I would find peace with myself and be more than ready for a strong start this coming semester.  Well, I was wrong.  Instead, I'm finding myself bored, unhappy, indecisive, lethargic, and extremely emotional for absolutely NO reason at all.  In reality, it actually seemed like school was letting me ignore the way I've been feeling.


I am finding that I would love nothing more than to have someone to talk to who actually listens, or suggest we do something besides going out to have a drink.  Drinking can be a fun time, but realistically, it doesn't solve problems like people think it does.  And it makes me gain weight, which is another issue I seem to be battling lately ever since I quit smoking two months ago.  Seriously, giving up cigarettes is hard enough, why does it have to come with such a shitty side effect?   


Anyway, back to those people.  I have friends and  I love my friends, but sometimes it feels like they only want to be there to join me through the good times and then leave me hanging when I feel like things are going wrong or I need someone to talk to.  I hate that.  Don't get me wrong - they're not all like that.  (I make this special exception for my Rican, because even though we live in different cities, she is there for more as much as she can be.)  I guess that goes to show why I've always believed that when all else fails, the only person I would have is myself.     


I know I'll bounce back (or I'm confident I will, anyway) but I guess at this point it is difficult for me to figure out where to start, or why I've been feeling like this in the first place.  I need to sort this out and pull it together, but I'm not sure sure I know where to begin...






Help! - The Beatles

You're So Vain...

People change.  Things change.  I obviously know that.  Usually people intentionally try to change for the better, while others change for the worse without even realizing it.  How do you tell someone that without them flying off the handle?  I feel like its a dirty job that someone has to do, but I think it is challenging to tell someone they've changed without them having a poor reaction.  Especially when they're family.  


It is pretty unfortunate when you see someone who is normally down-to-earth and laid back turn into a selfish, arrogant, self-absorbed, plain-ol' mean person.  (I even feel awkward writing those words in regards to the person in mind.)  It sucks and it really bothers me because I feel like I am starting to miss an old version of a person that I am never going to get back.  Obviously in describing those character traits though, there is no easy way to really tell someone that this is the way you now feel about them.  


I'm thinking that maybe they're just going through a phase and that these new found character traits will just breeze by and he'll revert to his old, more personable ways.  I do wonder though, if I can see this, how many other people around me feel the same way?








You're So Vain - Carly Simon

Typical Situation

Emotionally unavailable.  Have you heard that one before?  I've been there.  I've witnessed other people go through it.  They haven't gotten over their exes who have moved on.  They're "scared" of a commitment.  They're into someone who isn't into them, but won't give up.

 What.the.hell?

I guess when people are in this situation, they are so focused on dwelling on these feelings that they don't even realize that they're shutting themselves out from the rest of the world and other opportunities.  Or maybe that's just how I'm seeing it.  Maybe these people DO realize that they are shutting themselves out, and have no intention whosoever to move on anytime soon.  

Obviously I bring this up because I am attracted to someone who is "emotionally unavailable."  All signs point in that direction anyway.  Woof.  I really didn't see that one coming.  We do have a great time when we are together and he is incredibly easy to talk to and get along with.  I love hanging out with him! 

I'm pretty sure this situation screams, "I'm going to be in the friend-zone f-o-r-e-v-e-r."

Call me selfish, but I am incredibly tired of being number two.  I've played that role before, and shit - we all know it sucks to be second best.  I don't even want to come close to putting myself in a situation of that nature.  Also, I think its tricky to just be the friend who is "there for you, no matter what."  How is that even possible when you have feelings for the guy talking about his ex?  Bad idea.

Long story short - this is going on the back burner.  I'm certainly not going to try and pursue something that would clearly be over before it even started.  At least not right now.  Maybe this will be something to talk about (on a happier note) in the future.






Typical Situation - Dave Matthews Band

Time

Thank goodness there are only two weeks left in this summer semester.  I still feel overwhelmed and unfocused, and the end of every semester always brings out the crazy in me.  My stress level goes through the roof and I seem more like a chicken with my head cut off rather than myself.  At this point, I am in desperate need of some "me time," without having to worry about meeting due dates and being punctual.  


I just want to have some time to myself to remember all of the things I used to enjoy doing - taking pictures, going out to lunch with friends, finishing books quicker, getting my nails done, taking spontaneous road trips, etc. etc.  I have never been one to be great with time management, so a lot of my extra curricular activities seem to go out the window while I am so focused on school.  


I know that being back in school and trying to finally finish my education IS now part of who I am and that it is hard work.  At the same time, I really need to work on those time management skills so I can still be successful with school, but also enjoy other aspects of my life.  I miss certain parts of my life, and now that I am realize which parts of it I want back, it should be easier to get to the place I want to be and move forward.  




Time - Pink Floyd

Lately I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed and unfocused, and I have no idea why.  I have a lot going on in my life right now, but it is certainly not more than I can handle.  (Not even close!)  I have been going to school, doing homework, and of course since I still live at home, I help out a lot around the house.  I know I am an adult and living on my own would come with wayyyyy more responsibility, but sometimes I feel like I am worried about more than I should be around here.


I need to figure out a way to refocus and get back on track.  I find that my mind begins to wander and I start a bunch of tasks without finishing others, and then everything becomes disorganized.  Don't get me wrong, all of the tasks I start DO get finished, but it just needs to happen in a more organized fashion without all of the chaos.  


I think I start to get bored when I begin something and that I would be better off doing something else that needs to get done.  Well, I just end up with a bunch of started projects and have to figure out where I left off so I can finish what I started.  In turn, I'm pretty sure since my mind is everywhere I am actually making more work for myself in the long run.


Sorry, this was short but sweet, and I think this post kind of proves my point.  I had to take a break from doing some research for a final project because I was getting bored.  


Why can't I just stay focused?!

Just a Friend...

Okay.  I don't know if this IS just because I'm single and getting older, but I have to get something off of my chest.

Sometimes people just get busy and have a lot going on in their lives so they lose contact, but that's not what I'm talking about.  That shit happens and people find their way back.

I have got to talk about those close friends you have that get in a serious, committed relationship and then fall off of the face of the earth.  What is up with that?  

I understand that some people want to settle down with their significant other, and perhaps, start planning a future for a family and what not.  But why do they completely eliminate their social lives?  Whatever.


Then there are people who grow apart from their friends because their friends don't like the person they are dating and end up having conflict because of it.  Not everyone can get along.  Fine.  


The one that really gets to me, is when significant others tell you that you can't be friends with, or hang out with certain people.  I mean, what the hell is that?!  I'd be damned if someone told me who I could and could not be friends with.

This leads me to another scenario:  Is it inappropriate for exes to be friends after their relationship has ended?  

It comes as no surprise to me that their new boyfriend or girlfriend may be a little bit jealous or insecure about what you and your ex may have shared in the past.  So then they ask you to stop speaking with them because of their own insecurities and the thoughts constantly running through their mind.  So in some cases, this request results in a huge fight and/or the relationship ending.  Oh well, then I guess that relationship wasn't meant to be.


On the other hand, they may agree that they should not be friends with their ex, and respect their new boyfriend/girlfriend's wishes to end the friendship.


Well, what about the ones who "respect" their wishes, and then turn around and try to continue having a "secret friendship" with the person they aren't supposed to talk to?  Of course, I bring this up because this has happened.  


An ex of mine had contacted me and wanted to catch up.  I saw no problem with this as we had known each other for 9 years and dated for an insignificant amount of time.  As we began to share how we've been and what we were up to, he made a comment during the conversation stating that nobody could know that we were talking, including my friends.  


UMMMMM.  EFF THAT.  I'm sorry, but I think that is just ridiculous.  If you want to contact someone and then hide it from your significant other because it would clearly upset them, I find that inappropriate.  

If you have to hide it, are you implying that you're doing something wrong?

Right then and there I wanted the conversation to be over.  It has been nice to have no drama in my life whatsoever, and I didn't want to start.  By continuing to speak to him, I got a feeling that it would somehow end up blowing up in my face, although there would be no skin off of my back.  He would be the one in hot water, not me.  

We had not spoke in over a year and I was completely okay with that.  I am still okay with that.  Why did he find it so important to get in contact with me again?  Who knows.  I just find people's actions to be inexplicable at times. Is it worth the risk to sneak around and contact old friends and exes at the expense of your relationship?  Shouldn't you just be honest and be friends with who you want to be friends with, or should you have to pay a price?

Just a Friend - Biz Markie

Roll With It...

I was sitting here today with nothing better to do when I realized that I have a blog I have not written on in f-o-r-e-v-e-r!  My apologies.  So I logged in and noticed that I had only had one post in 2011!  How shameful.  


During these past 6 or so months I needed to buckle down and focus on just a few things.  One of my worst habits is biting off more than I can chew and getting myself caught in sticky ass situations.  I just turned 25 a week ago - I've really got to get my shit together righttt?!  


As you can see in my one and only post prior to this in 2011, there were some things that changed in my life (for the better) indeed.  I guess at this point it would be best to recap a few main details for 2011 so that my future posts will make sense as a begin to write again.


1.  School is still on the list


Surprisingly, I took it upon myself to enroll in summer classes so I could keep the ball rolling and get done sooner.  I find it much harder to keep my focus on my work during the summer months.  This semester comes to a close in about 5 weeks and LET ME TELL YOU...I am ready for the break!!  I am still happy about my classes and knowing exactly what direction I want my academic life to go in, but damn...everyone needs a break at some point.  So in 5 weeks, I will be able to enjoy the rest of the summer and get my head focused for the fall.  


I feel like I don't want to spend as much time ranting and raving about school, so even though it consumes so much of my time, I am going to try and keep the school chat to a minimum on here!  Okay great.  NEXT!  


2.  I am still single (and still happy.)


Yes.  Exactly what the title says.  I am still single.  I am still happy.  There are those moments when I think to myself, "wow, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle up with or share those little mushy moments with..." and then after seeing some of the bullshit and stress that many of my friends deal in a serious relationship I think, "Damn I am soooo happy I am not as miserable and tied down as they are..."  Is it wrong that I see it that way?  They may not be tied down, but sometimes it most certainly seems like it!  Why be with someone that you spend more of your time arguing with than enjoying?!  I'd rather be single than be stressed out by my significant other.  Damn straight.  


Oh, and, let's not forget about those ever-so-wonderful, "What are we? 'situations'."  WOOF.  Been there, done that, and call me a bitch, but I don't even want to hear about those types of situations because nobody ever listens to the advice they're given anyway.  Trust me, I know.  


Now that does not mean that I am ruling any possibilities out.  It also does not mean that I am not currently thinking of someone right this instant.  He is a great guy and does not steer people wrong.  He is completely honest and works very hard.  I find it extremely easy to talk to him and relate to him on many different levels.  But there aren't really too many other details - yet.  Getting to know more about each other is very casual, so I'm not really digging deep and thinking too much about what the future holds.  Besides - I think doing the "me" thing right now is still working out. 


A few other things...


I screwed up my ankle.  Yep.  I have had to wear an immobilizer boot up to my knee for the past few weeks now.  My doctor seems to think that is it making my ankle worse, so I am waiting to get a new brace and then I am going to have to walk around on crutches.  UGH.  Not again!


I guess in English what my doctors told me is that my joint bones are starting to fuse together (again) and since they are rubbing together, it is causing cartilage and fluid to build up.  You should feel it - its pretty gross.  I'll keep you posted on those details as I am waiting for my upcoming orthopedic appointment.


Kind of random, but does anyone know of ways to keep in shape since I can't run or do any workouts involving my ankle?


I'm trying to quit smoking.  Yep.  The girl who always said she loved to smoke is trying to quit.  I figured, why the hell not?  Originally, I was only going to quit for a week or two (if I could stand it) to prove to a friend that she doesn't need electric cigarettes, patches, gum, and blah, blah, blah to quit smoking.  Well long story short, I quit cold turkey, and she didn't quit at all.  


Now, this is in the early stages.  Today will be the end of day 9 and I haven't caved yet.  On day 3, I had a major meltdown and was in tears struggling with the idea of never having a cigarette again.  Two things I was concerned about was wanting to smoke while I drink coffee and alcohol.  Since I quit, I have done both, and so far, so good.  We'll see what happens, but at this point I think I am at ease with my decision and shouldn't have a problem keeping on this path.


Anyway, I think this post is long enough.  I am glad I'm back to blogging now as it felt really good to write this all down...I'll be back, and I swear I won't wait until 2012 :-)




Roll With It - Oasis

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Well, its a new year.  I wasn't a huge fan of 2010, but even though it certainly wasn't the most fantastic year I have ever had, I made a lot of decisions and changes that will definitely help me become a better and more improved person for a successful 2011.  

Instead of going out and surrounding myself with people from my hometown at a bar and getting drunk like I usually do on new year's, I stayed home, watched TV, searched for scholarships, and applied for jobs online as the ball dropped and the new year rang in.  In that moment, I knew that 2011 was going be a much better and successful year for me.    

With that being said, what would a fresh start to 2011 be without reflecting on a few changes from 2010??

1.  I left my 9-5 "grown up" job.  Wow.  Now talk about a weight off of my shoulders.  I was miserable at this job and they couldn't have paid me enough money to convince me to stay.  This might sound ridiculous, but I couldn't imagine having a career that stressed me out and made me miserable day in and day out.  A lot of people didn't understand that, and never will.  I get that.  The truth is, I wouldn't be able to sit here and say it was a tough choice to leave the job.  I knew I was going to, it was just a matter of when and how.  Now I am still at least looking for a part-time job because my seasonal job is done, but the decision to terminate my 9-5 position was the best choice I could have made for myself and my future.  Hopefully one of the many applications I filled out on New Year's Eve will get a response. 

2.  I went back to school.  The first time I attended college I slacked off and never took it seriously, hence the 4 1/2 year break I took.  After leaving my job, I knew it was exactly where I wanted to be and the timing was perfect.  A lot of people believed I was making rash decisions because I had quit my job and just needed something to "fall back on."  In reality, school wasn't a fall back, but something I had always wanted to do and wasn't prepared for.  The last thing I wanted was to be a failure in college again, so it was a very thought out and careful decision I made for myself.  

I had finally found a college that was a great fit for me, and worked very hard.  Classes, papers, and studying began to occupy my time, and other activities like hanging out at bars or going to local shows took a back seat to the progress I was making at school.  (Not ALL of the time, but when necessary.)  It all paid off, and I ended the semester with a 3.3 GPA and made the Dean's List.  I couldn't believe it!  Finally seeing my potential on paper and even trying to argue a grade I didn't agree with, it only made me realize I was doing well and school and couldn't be happier pursuing my education.  Classes resume in another week and a half, and I wish it would hurry up already because I can't wait for the semester to begin!

3.  I finally accepted being single.  This was another huge, HUGE thing that happened in 2010.  I had been up, down, and all around with that "situation" (as I like to call it) that I had mentioned in past blogs.  In the grand scheme of things, a situation was exactly what it was.  It was a situation that I ended up pretty much getting screwed over in, but hey, I've left my bitterness behind in 2010.  More than anything, parting ways was certainly for the best.  I deeply cared about a guy who really, did not care about me at all.  Everything was all about him and what I could do for him.  

After 2 1/2 years of going up, down, and all around with this guy, it is likely he probably doesn't know a thing about me.  That might sound harsh, but believe me when I say it is the truth.  Then I had gotten slapped by the bitter reality of what the situation really was.  When I resigned from my job and all of my savings were gone, so was he. 

Now that we have parted ways, I don't know why I stuck around for two years.  If anything, he was selfishly smart to keep me around and I was stupid enough to stick around.   I'm glad I'm not committed to anyone right now.  It is another thing I needed to jump start this fresh new year, and I am in no rush at all to begin a new relationship.  


4.  I have to make me happy.  After putting myself on the line and always looking out for others, I realized I wasn't paying nearly enough attention to myself and what I truly need.  You know the old saying, "out with the old, in with the new," right?  Well with those three major things I previously mentioned, they were huge choices for me to make, have do deal with, and get over in 2010.  

Now let's not forget about those typical new year's "resolutions" people make every year, like eating better, losing weight, drinking less alcohol, and going to the gym more.  Hey, I've made those resolutions in previous years too.  I will try my best to do those things as well, however, I'm not going to call them new year's resolutions and get all worked up about them.  I've got bigger fish to fry, but there's no harm in also trying to integrate a healthier lifestyle into all of the other positive things I'm trying to do with my life.  

So Happy 2011!!  I am most definitely looking forward to this year and working hard to make sure I get the most out of it.  A lot of changes have been made, and I know that they were only for the better.  I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me!

The Times They Are A-Changin' - Bob Dylan