Backwards with Time

The past.  I swear sometimes I wish it would just stay there.  I did not expect to be writing this post because I didn't expect for yesterday evening to happen the way it did, but oh well.  Yesterday evening, I had been invited to a get together with some of my old co-workers because one of them was accepting a position with a different company.  Whenever we get together, it is always a lot of fun.  I hadn't seen some of my co-workers in over a year, and I had certainly not seen one of them in particular for at least that long.


It was a male co-worker of mine who, well, we had a really intense connection and there was always a lot of tension because of the apparent chemistry we had.  After not seeing him for over a year, I guess I had forgotten how I used to feel.  Ultimately, when the two of us began talking, it became a conversation that took us on a journey through the past.  A journey I wish we never went on, only to rehash old feelings and what not.  


The problem with this man is that he is currently in a relationship.  When we had met, he was on a break from this relationship, (so not to worry, because I wouldn't do that to someone, whether I knew them or not) and this had escalated.  Well, he ended up making the decision to get back together with his girlfriend, who he is still with today.  


Throughout our conversation he kept saying "how things would be different if the situation was different," and that it was "difficult for him to see me because he forgot how he felt," and that "it seems like we were picking up right where we left off..." etc, etc.  COME ON.  


My response was that it was not my problem because I have no strings attached to anyone, and it was "okay" for me to feel the way I felt.  That was his decision a while back to be with someone else, and I was not going to let him make me feel bad about that.  Clearly it worked out for him, because (like I said) after all of this time, him and his girlfriend are still together.  Does he honestly think I would have just been sitting on the back burner waiting around for him or something?  That would never happen.  


Honestly though, I did end up leaving pretty upset.  Yes, I can acknowledge the intense chemistry we have always had.  I was definitely nervous to see him for that very reason.  He was one of those guys I could have seen myself with, ya know?  That's probably why I was so upset.  I couldn't understand how, time after time, he could say those things to me, yet stay with his girlfriend.  Then I thought about it: why would I want to be with a guy like that, anyway?


After venting to two close friends and replaying the evening in my mind, I realized I shouldn't be upset.  I got caught up in the moment.  If anything, this guy is telling me how he felt about me, while he has a girlfriend out there somewhere who loves him.  What a bunch of crap.  He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and it definitely wasn't happening on my watch.  Closure.  I never got that from this situation, and that was exactly what I needed.  He doesn't deserve someone like me.    








Backwards With Time - The Avett Brothers