So I find myself sitting here tonight and ((once again)) thinking about past relationships. I'm not really sure if I think about them because I am constantly reminded of them, or because they are subconsciously always on my mind and I don't realize it. Now that I have had enough time away from this last relationship, I have gained more perspective on it than I had before. I think writing about it will give me that last breath of fresh air I have been waiting for.
Don't get me wrong - I know for a fact (now) that we were completely and 100% wrong for each other. Honestly, I think our connection came through music. And beer. He played the guitar and sang, and I sang as well, although my fear for singing in front of people kept me from actually singing for a crowd or on a stage. We also loved planning and going to shows together, and I went to all of his gigs as well.
Football and Syracuse basketball was also important. And the beer. We could sit up and drink together all night, drink for drink, until the sun came back up. Wow. Then spend the day laying in bed sleeping and watching movies until we absolutely had to get up. Wow.
Other than that, I don't think we had too many things in common. That's fine. In the beginning it never seemed that way. We could talk to each other and had an easy time getting to know each other. Typical.
As the relationship progressed, I began to notice that he was using me and couldn't give two shits about anyone except for himself. At least it seemed that way, and as far as I'm concerned, if it seemed that way, it really was that way. (It really was, and I was too blind to walk away.)
A little background information for you:
I had a job that I hated, but I made a fantastic amount of money. As a result, I paid for everything. I had more money than I knew what to do with, so I guess I didn't mind. If I wanted to go out and have a good time, him and my closet few friends always had a good time too. My bad.
It got to the point where I realized that my generosity was getting taken advantage of. He was less invested in getting to know me, or spending time with me, and more interested in what I could do for him.
Will you buy me this?
Will you clean my house?
Will you rub my back?
Will you help me pack my car for this gig?
Can you buy me cigarettes?
Can I "borrow" 50 bucks? ...and so on and so forth.
I found this INCREDIBLY annoying. If this had been any normal give and take sort of relationship, I would not have minded doing these things. However, if I would have asked him to do me any favors (besides favors that benefited him like bringing me home, taking me to the bank, or picking up dinner) hell must have been freezing over. It was convenient for him to keep me in his life on the regular and I stuck around because for some reason, I still cared about him. SCREW THAT.
Well soon later, I no longer had my job. Money was running low. We were fighting all the time. I was annoyed. I was heartbroken. I was confused. I was extremely upset. I couldn't understand how it got to that point. How could I let myself get taken advantage of and get walked all over like this? It was more than obvious it had to end. I stopped answering his calls. I stopped calling him. We have a lot of the same friends, and it got to the point where I stopped going out just because I merely did not want to see him.
Out of sight, out of mind...right? RIGHT?!
Since then, I've seen him, obviously. As I said before we have a lot of the same friends. Its amazing how differently you can see someone once you've taken a step back and actually looked at the situation. Although I feel like part of this is my fault because I didn't realize he was an extremely selfish person and was using me, I could have never seen that coming because it was not the person I met. I should have never let it go on as long as it did. I would never be able to look at him with the light I had in my eyes during the first year we had met. When I see him now, I have a hard time even looking at him. Speaking to each other doesn't go much further than saying hello and goodbye.
It disgusts me to even think that you could treat a person like they don't matter. Now that I am out of the picture, it is obvious to me when he is using other people and taking them for granted, and it is sad. When do people like this learn their lesson? I wish I wouldn't have been blind for so long. Am I supposed to say better late than never? Because I'm not going to dwell on this.
Oh well, once again, I lived and I learned. He was selfish, and I was stupid. All I can do now is make sure I never get myself involved in a situation like that again.
With that being said: I leave you with this video by one of my favorite female singers...who else? Kelly Clarkson! This song is perfect for this situation :-)
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