Backwards with Time

The past.  I swear sometimes I wish it would just stay there.  I did not expect to be writing this post because I didn't expect for yesterday evening to happen the way it did, but oh well.  Yesterday evening, I had been invited to a get together with some of my old co-workers because one of them was accepting a position with a different company.  Whenever we get together, it is always a lot of fun.  I hadn't seen some of my co-workers in over a year, and I had certainly not seen one of them in particular for at least that long.


It was a male co-worker of mine who, well, we had a really intense connection and there was always a lot of tension because of the apparent chemistry we had.  After not seeing him for over a year, I guess I had forgotten how I used to feel.  Ultimately, when the two of us began talking, it became a conversation that took us on a journey through the past.  A journey I wish we never went on, only to rehash old feelings and what not.  


The problem with this man is that he is currently in a relationship.  When we had met, he was on a break from this relationship, (so not to worry, because I wouldn't do that to someone, whether I knew them or not) and this had escalated.  Well, he ended up making the decision to get back together with his girlfriend, who he is still with today.  


Throughout our conversation he kept saying "how things would be different if the situation was different," and that it was "difficult for him to see me because he forgot how he felt," and that "it seems like we were picking up right where we left off..." etc, etc.  COME ON.  


My response was that it was not my problem because I have no strings attached to anyone, and it was "okay" for me to feel the way I felt.  That was his decision a while back to be with someone else, and I was not going to let him make me feel bad about that.  Clearly it worked out for him, because (like I said) after all of this time, him and his girlfriend are still together.  Does he honestly think I would have just been sitting on the back burner waiting around for him or something?  That would never happen.  


Honestly though, I did end up leaving pretty upset.  Yes, I can acknowledge the intense chemistry we have always had.  I was definitely nervous to see him for that very reason.  He was one of those guys I could have seen myself with, ya know?  That's probably why I was so upset.  I couldn't understand how, time after time, he could say those things to me, yet stay with his girlfriend.  Then I thought about it: why would I want to be with a guy like that, anyway?


After venting to two close friends and replaying the evening in my mind, I realized I shouldn't be upset.  I got caught up in the moment.  If anything, this guy is telling me how he felt about me, while he has a girlfriend out there somewhere who loves him.  What a bunch of crap.  He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and it definitely wasn't happening on my watch.  Closure.  I never got that from this situation, and that was exactly what I needed.  He doesn't deserve someone like me.    








Backwards With Time - The Avett Brothers

Yesterday

I feel really excited to write this because yesterday was just a wonderful day.  It was by no means over the top and didn't have anything particularly special going on, but it just seemed to flow, and not one bad thing happened.  (That's always good, right?)  


Part of yesterday's success would have to be the fact that it marked the beginning of my fall semester!  I thought I wanted that month-long break so bad, but as I stated before, I found myself bored, miserable, and thinking too much.  Classes starting again made me feel good; I realized I had missed having a schedule, and having to stay on task.  (I almost feel strange saying that, since I've always been one to prefer going with the flow and not having a schedule.)

Anyway, I only had two of my classes, both of which seemed to fly by because of their basic "first day of classes format," going over syllabi and meeting our professors.  Blah, blah, blah.  It's redundant, but I was over-the-top excited. 


Now, speaking of schedules, one of my major loves is back - FOOTBALL!!!  Football season officially kicked off yesterday, and I couldn't have been more excited.  I almost believe that the excitement of football carried over into all of the other parts of my day.  I went to hang out and watch the football game with other people who appreciate the sport just as much as I do. (Thank you Aaron Rodgers, for having a great game and giving me a shit ton of fantasy points!)

As usual, I go out on Thursday nights to a bar/restaurant that some of my friends work at.  (Most importantly, that guy I have been spontaneously talking about in previous posts.)   


Now, without reading too much into any particular situation, I have got to tell you, I love being around him!  Why, you ask?


- He is incredibly easy to talk to, and I don't have to do all of the talking.
- We can talk about anything and everything.  
- I trust him completely (Some may be surprised to hear that so soon, but keep in mind I have known this guy for years.) 
- He makes me laugh.

No really, though!

Honestly, I could go on about all of his wonderful qualities, but I'll just stop right there.  It just simply feels good to be able to hang out with someone without thinking and without worrying about what to say or do.  Like I said, I am not reading into this too much as I have known him for awhile, but I feel like this is on the right path.  We'll see what happens!! 










Yesterday - The Beatles




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hunterhome.net

Time to Get Ill

Today I woke up and realized I had a few missed phone calls from a close friend of mine, C.  It seemed as though her calling may have been urgent, so instead of getting up and having my morning coffee and breakfast first, I called her right away.  She could tell I was barely awake.  When she answered, she three-way called another one of our close friends, Roe.  


Once Roe answered, C said:  So, will you guys be in my wedding?!


Finally.  It was what she had been waiting for.  After several years, she had finally gotten engaged!  I could not have been more excited for her, and I was honored that she had asked me to be in the wedding.  


Wait.  Be IN the wedding?  After I shared my excitement and congrats with her, my next immediate reaction was, 'Ohhh man.  I am going to have to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress now...'


My excitement transformed from girly-shrieking thrill to instant horror.  I have been trying to get back on track with losing weight, which has been a challenge with the contradicting weight gain from quitting smoking, and the fact that I can't do any distance running or strenuous cardio because of a long-term ankle injury I have had to deal with.  


Anyway, I gladly accepted her offer, but let's be serious though.  Nobody wants to be the "fat" bridesmaid.


At least she isn't planning on getting married for another year or two, so I will certainly have plenty of time to get back in shape before having to endure the feeling of humiliation while trying on dresses.  Thank goodness.  

Time to up the ante on the workout plan.  

Time to Get Ill - Beastie Boys

Help!

So , I've got nothing else to report on the family member previously mentioned.  It is clear it was a sibling, because now he has gone to a different city for school again.  I think at this point, a little bit of distance will be better for us so we don't have so many expectations of one another.  We actually get along better this way (at least for now) so I'm going to put this to rest.


I feel like I have been really down in the dumps lately.  Great timing.  I was hoping while I had this time off from school that I would find peace with myself and be more than ready for a strong start this coming semester.  Well, I was wrong.  Instead, I'm finding myself bored, unhappy, indecisive, lethargic, and extremely emotional for absolutely NO reason at all.  In reality, it actually seemed like school was letting me ignore the way I've been feeling.


I am finding that I would love nothing more than to have someone to talk to who actually listens, or suggest we do something besides going out to have a drink.  Drinking can be a fun time, but realistically, it doesn't solve problems like people think it does.  And it makes me gain weight, which is another issue I seem to be battling lately ever since I quit smoking two months ago.  Seriously, giving up cigarettes is hard enough, why does it have to come with such a shitty side effect?   


Anyway, back to those people.  I have friends and  I love my friends, but sometimes it feels like they only want to be there to join me through the good times and then leave me hanging when I feel like things are going wrong or I need someone to talk to.  I hate that.  Don't get me wrong - they're not all like that.  (I make this special exception for my Rican, because even though we live in different cities, she is there for more as much as she can be.)  I guess that goes to show why I've always believed that when all else fails, the only person I would have is myself.     


I know I'll bounce back (or I'm confident I will, anyway) but I guess at this point it is difficult for me to figure out where to start, or why I've been feeling like this in the first place.  I need to sort this out and pull it together, but I'm not sure sure I know where to begin...






Help! - The Beatles

You're So Vain...

People change.  Things change.  I obviously know that.  Usually people intentionally try to change for the better, while others change for the worse without even realizing it.  How do you tell someone that without them flying off the handle?  I feel like its a dirty job that someone has to do, but I think it is challenging to tell someone they've changed without them having a poor reaction.  Especially when they're family.  


It is pretty unfortunate when you see someone who is normally down-to-earth and laid back turn into a selfish, arrogant, self-absorbed, plain-ol' mean person.  (I even feel awkward writing those words in regards to the person in mind.)  It sucks and it really bothers me because I feel like I am starting to miss an old version of a person that I am never going to get back.  Obviously in describing those character traits though, there is no easy way to really tell someone that this is the way you now feel about them.  


I'm thinking that maybe they're just going through a phase and that these new found character traits will just breeze by and he'll revert to his old, more personable ways.  I do wonder though, if I can see this, how many other people around me feel the same way?








You're So Vain - Carly Simon